rivernithmusings's blog

The identity crisis

Whence did it start?

From whence did it come?

Oh, I know, it all started with dog walking attire

My own runway, my own show and…

one hideous envious man who must not win

Listening to him sing is so much fun. He’s super into the music.

He has eclectic taste in music. He’s happy right now, I don’t feel happy, kind of moody due to being tired.

I’m not ruining his vibe. He’s filling our home with so many good vibes and I love him.

Interested in business. Interested in law. Interested in art. Interested in beauty and fashion and fragrances. Interested in French. A devout Christian. A woman who used to travel, and wants to travel again? Likes to cook, likes being married, likes interesting things, like things that are alluring, and mysterious.

Nothing will ever change because it never does, but you said the quiet part out loud and it made my blood run cold. Why can’t I accept things the way they are? They are in fact, good…no, they are excellent. Anyone would trade places. So it’s me. It’s always me.

Unwrapping gifts with my beloved

How is it that he is so handsome

All he’s ever wanted to do was love me and take care of me

He has succeeded and I am blessed beyond measure

Yes, I’m grateful. How can I not be? Are you not feeling grateful? Name three things you are grateful for right now. Then, think about one person. It doesn’t have to be a family member, but it could be a family member. Do one nice thing for that person and expect nothing in return, not even a thank you. Do it as a creative way to express gratitude. Then do something for yourself. Write a poem, read that book you’ve been meaning to read. Pray and give thanks. Clean your home, clean out your fridge or closet. Buy flowers, or make yourself a nice meal. Don’t judge or criticize yourself. Be grateful because the world needs you.

What about what I want? What about what I need? What about my need to feel fulfilled and loved? What about my relationships the ones that are left and the ties that I have severed? There are no re-do’s. What about my life?

I didn’t always live in Los Angeles. I came to L.A. from the east coast. For a long time, L.A. did not feel like home. I missed the east coast and craved snow in the winter and fireflies in the summer. As I grew into young adulthood, Los Angeles started to feel good to me. The rhythm of nature here always inspired me. The hummingbirds, the intensely fragrant night blooming jasmine that I inhaled deeply in the summer night air. The smell of eucalyptus after the rain, and even the opossum that sat on our porch and pretended it didn’t see me was magical.